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Table of Contents Laws of Judaism Concerning Women and Men

Laws of Religion

Laws of Judaism Concerning Women and Men

5. Issues Within Marriage

from the Biblical Books of Moses (Torah),

the Code of Maimonides (Mishneh Torah)

and the Shulchan Aruch

Issues Within Marriage

From the Biblical Books of Moses (Torah)

The Torah says that when Leah s son Reuben gathered mandrakes, her sister, Rachel, asked her for some of them. When Leah refused, Rachel offered to permit Leah to sleep with Jacob, who was married to both of them, that night (when it was Rachel s turn to be with Jacob) in exchange for some mandrakes. So, Leah told Jacob that she had hired him for the night by paying Rachel with Reuben s mandrakes.[1] (Editor s note: Mandrakes are a plant that may have been thought of as an aphrodisiac at that time.)

If a man loves one of his wives and hates his other wife, and his firstborn son is the child of the wife he hates, he must nevertheless stipulate that the firstborn son will inherit a double portion, as firstborn sons do.[2]

If a man marries and, after having sexual intercourse with his wife, he finds that he hates her so he claims that she had not been a virgin, then the woman s parents shall show the bloodstained cloth to the city elders to prove her virginity. The man shall be punished for slandering a virgin of Israel by paying 100 shekels to the woman s father and by never being permitted to divorce his wife. However, if no evidence of the wife s virginity is found, she shall be stoned to death for acting as a whore while in her father s house.[3]

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of the men goes to rescue her husband by seizing the other man s genitals, her hand is to be cut off without any pity.[4]

When a man sells his daughter to be a slave and her master marries her, the master must not reduce her food, clothing or marital rights if he takes an additional wife.[5] (Editor s note: This establishes the principle in the Torah that a husband is required to provide his wife with food, clothing and sexual intercourse.)

The parents of a stubborn and rebellious son who will not heed them when they chastise him are to take him to the elders of the city. The father and mother shall tell the elders that their son is stubborn and rebellious and will not heed them, and that he is a glutton and a drunkard. Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death.[6]

Issues Within Marriage

Jewish Law (Halakha) from the Code of Maimonides (Mishneh Torah)

Contents:

Visiting others and receiving visitors

Obligations of a man to his wife

The husband's obligation to provide food for his wife

The husband's obligation to have sexual intercourse with his wife

Obligations of a woman to her husband

The wife's obligation to work

The wife's obligation to have sexual intercourse with her husband

Proper sexual behavior

Visiting others and receiving visitors (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah). A woman should not be confined to her home at all times; she should be able to visit her father's house, a house of mourning or a wedding celebration. A husband should prevent his wife from going out of the house more than once or twice a month, as the need arises.[7]

A man who prevents his wife from visiting a house of mourning or a wedding celebration has, in effect, locked her in a prison; he must divorce her and pay the amount specified in her ketubah. If he justifies his behavior by saying that there are indecent people at the house of mourning or the wedding and there are such people there, then he is permitted to prevent his wife from attending.[8]

A man may prevent his wife from visiting her father, but if he does this for too long (more than one month if the father lives in the same city), then he must divorce her and pay the amount in her ketubah.[9]

If a man tells his wife that he does not want her parents to visit his house, they are to visit only when it is important to do so, such as when she is sick or delivering a baby. A woman may prevent her husband's mother or sisters from visiting her if she finds them disagreeable.[10]

Obligations of a man to his wife (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah). The Sages have ruled that a man should honor his wife more than he honors himself and his love for her should equal his love for himself. The wealthier he is, the more generous he must be to his wife. He should never instill fear in his wife, but always speak gently to her, without showing either sadness or anger.[11] And similarly, the Sages have ruled that a woman should be in awe of her husband, following all of his instructions, fulfilling the desires of his heart, considering him as a king and never doing what he dislikes.[12]

Upon finalization of a marriage, the man is obliged to provide his wife with ten things.[13] These are food, clothing, her conjugal rights, treatment if she becomes sick, ransom if she is held captive, burial upon her death, maintenance paid by his estate if he dies, residence in his house if he dies for as long as she remains a widow, maintenance for her daughters from his estate until they are betrothed, and the right of the sons of both of them to inherit her ketubah in addition to their sharing his estate with sons he had by other wives.[14]

The husband's obligation to provide food for his wife (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah): The Torah (Exodus 21:10, cited above) requires that a man provide his wife with three things: food, clothing and her marital rights to sexual intercourse.[15] The Sages have taught that a man should eat less than is appropriate for his income, dress as is appropriate for his income and provide for his wife and children in a manner that exceeds what is appropriate for his income.[16]

A poor man is obliged to provide two meals daily for his wife including bread, a vegetable dish, oil and fruit. If they live in a place where it is customary for women to drink wine, he must also provide her with wine. On the Sabbath, he must provide his wife with three meals including meat or fish as is customary in the place where they live.[17] If the man is too poor to provide his wife with the bread she needs, he must divorce her. A wealthy man is to provide his wife with food commensurate with his wealth, even if that means giving her meat more than once each day.[18] A man who vows not to support his wife must divorce her after thirty days.[19]

A husband is obliged to eat with his wife at least once each week, on the eve of the Sabbath (Friday night).[20] However, if the man betrothed the woman on the condition that he will not be responsible for providing her with food, that condition is valid and he need not provide her with food.[21]

A man is required to maintain his children until they are six years old. He is also to provide them with food until they grow up and if he refuses to do so he is to be publicly exposed and humiliated. However, a man is not to be coerced to maintain his children more than six years of age unless he is known to be wealthy enough to do so.[22]

A nursing wife should be given extra wine and other things that benefit her milk production. Her work load should also be reduced. If she craves more food than the amount her husband is required to give her, she can use her own money to buy all that she desires. Since alleviating her suffering takes priority, her husband cannot complain that she is eating too much or that if she eats harmful foods the child will die.[23]

A husband should hire a wet nurse for one child when there are twins. He cannot compel his wife to nurse both of them. A man may prevent his wife from nursing the child of a female friend even if she wants to, so that only his child will be nursed by his wife.[24] He may also compel his wife to nurse their own male or female child until it is twenty-four months old, even if she does not want to. However, if the wife is poor and does not want to nurse the child while the husband has enough money hire a wet nurse or purchase a female slave to nurse the child, he must do so. If she does want to nurse their child, the husband cannot prevent her from doing so for the purpose of preserving her attractiveness; the pain she would feel in being separated from the child takes precedence.[25]

In the case of divorce, a nursing mother must continue to nurse the child until it is twenty-four months old if it is capable of recognizing her, even if it is blind. The father must pay his ex-wife her fee for nursing their child in addition to providing for the child s other needs such as food and clothing. However, the man has no obligation to provide anything to his ex-wife while she is pregnant. Before the time a nursing child recognizes its mother, a divorced mother may refuse to nurse her child and turn it over to its father, who is then responsible for its care.[26]

A man must provide for the maintenance, including food, of his wife and daughters out of his estate upon his death.[27] If he was married to more than one woman when he died, then each of his wives is entitled to the same level of maintenance from his estate.[28] The maintenance of a widow takes precedence over that of a daughter if the estate is not sufficient to support them both, in which case the daughter is to go begging.[29] Although sons are to inherit the property of their father, and also the money that their mother brought to the marriage if the mother predeceased her husband, the sons must support their sisters until the sisters are espoused or come of age (at twelve years of age, at the earliest[30]).[31] When the estate contains real property (i.e., real estate), the maintenance of the daughters takes precedence over that of the sons to the extent that the sons are to be left to beg if there is only enough in the estate to provide for the maintenance of the daughters. If there is no real property in the estate, then the daughters and the sons must share in it to receive whatever maintenance is possible, however inadequate.[32] Certain daughters, though entitled to maintenance by their living fathers, are not entitled to maintenance from their fathers estates. This exclusion includes a daughter whose mother was espoused (promised in betrothal but not yet married to the father[33]), was a victim of rape (who, after becoming pregnant with the daughter, married the rapist[34] as described in Deuteronomy 22:28-29) or was a second degree relative of the daughter s father (in which case the marriage is prohibited by Scribal laws on incest[35]).[36]

The husband's obligation to have sexual intercourse with his wife (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah): A woman's conjugal rights depend upon her husband's strength and occupation. Healthy men who are not engaged in strenuous work and who spend all day idly at home are obliged to have sexual intercourse with their wives every night. For laboring men who work in the same city where they live the schedule is twice a week; if they work in a different city then it is once a week. Sailors are to have sexual intercourse with their wives every six months. For men who study the Torah, which weakens them, it is once a week, with the usual time being Friday night.[37]

If a man has multiple wives, their conjugal rights are reduced accordingly. For example, a sailor with four wives is obliged to have sexual intercourse with each of them once every two years. This is why the Sages decreed that a man should not have more than four wives at the same time.[38]

A woman may forbid her husband from taking business trips or changing his occupation (except if he becomes a student of the Torah) if that would reduce the frequency of their sexual intercourse. Only those who study the Torah may leave home for an extended trip without the permission of their wives.[39]

If a man makes a vow that requires his wife to repeat to others any of the joking and frivolous things that he and his wife have said to each other concerning their acts of sexual intercourse, then he is required to divorce her and pay the amount of her ketubah. This is because it is not acceptable for a woman to speak so brazenly to others about such lascivious matters.[40]

A man may not intentionally deny his wife her rights to sexual intercourse.[41] A man who makes a valid vow to refrain from sexual intercourse with his wife and fulfills that vow for more than seven days is required to divorce his wife and pay the amount of her ketubah.[42] If he is ill and unable to have sexual intercourse with his wife for more than six months, he must either get her permission to continue on as her husband or divorce her and pay the amount of her ketubah.[43]

If a man rebels against his wife by withholding sexual intercourse from her because he is no longer attracted to her but continues to provide her with food and maintenance, she is permitted to decide to stay married to him and an amount of silver the weight of 36 barleycorns is added to the value of her ketubah each week.[44]

A woman may give permission to her husband to withhold sexual intercourse at the obligatory frequency only if he already has had children and thus fulfilled his obligation to "be fruitful and multiply."[45] The obligation to have children applies only to men, not to women.[46] The obligation to have children is fulfilled when a man has one son and one daughter.[47] However, even when a man has fulfilled his obligation to have a son and a daughter, he is commanded to continue to have children as long as he is physically potent. This is because adding another Jewish life to the world is as if one had built the whole world.[48]

A man should not have sexual intercourse with his wife if he intends to divorce her; children resulting from such intercourse will be of poor character, some without shame and others rebellious and sinful.[49]

Obligations of a woman to her husband (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah). There are four things a wife is obliged to give to her husband:[50] her earnings, anything she finds, the use of her property while she is alive, the inheritance of her property if she should die.[51]

The wife's obligation to work (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah): A wife must be busy with work because idleness leads to lewd behavior.[52] Even if her husband is very wealthy, she must work, though the amount of her daily work may be reduced according to his wealth.[53] A man who has vowed that his wife will not work must divorce her and give her the amount of her ketubah.[54]

Every wife is required to personally wash her husband's face, hands and feet, to pour his beverages for him, to make his bed and to do other tasks at his request such as bringing him water or a vessel or taking such things away. She is not, however, required to similarly do the bidding of his father or his son.[55] However, when a woman is menstruating, she should not wash her husband's face, hands or feet since this may lead to sexual intercourse. For the same reason, she should make his bed when he is not present and put his poured beverage down for him to retrieve rather than handing it to him directly until such time as she immerses herself following her menstrual period.[56]

A poor wife must bake bread for her husband and do it early in the morning so some is available to the poor. She must also cook for her husband, wash clothes, feed the animal he rides, nurse her child and watch the grinding of the grain. If the local custom is to grind the grain with a hand mill, then she should do this herself.[57]

If the couple has a female slave or is wealthy enough to purchase one, then the wife does not have to bake bread, wash clothes, feed her husband's animal or watch the grinding of the grain. If they have or can purchase two female slaves, then the wife is also relieved of responsibility for cooking and she may give her child to a female slave to nurse.[58]

A wife must also spin wool or flax, weave and embroider if such tasks are customary where the couple lives. If they are not customary, then her husband may require her to spin wool, but may not compel her to perform the other activities.[59]

A woman who refuses to perform any of her obligatory tasks may be compelled to do so, even by being beaten with a rod.[60]

The wife's obligation to have sexual intercourse with her husband (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah): A man has a right to have sexual intercourse with his wife whenever he so desires. He has the right to any sort of physical intimacy with her including kissing any part of her body. He may have either vaginal or anal intercourse with her as long as he ejaculates only in her vagina^*. However, it is pious not to act frivolously or depart from normal behavior when having sexual relations with one's wife since the purpose of this activity is procreation.[61]

A man should never compel his wife to have sexual intercourse against her will. Sexual relations should always be by mutual consent, with pleasant conversation and in a spirit of joyfulness.[62] At the same time, a woman should not refuse to have sexual intercourse with her husband for the purpose of tormenting him so his love for her may increase. She should have sexual relations with him whenever he desires.[63]

A woman should not, however, ask her husband to have sexual intercourse with her or speak about it. She should always be discreet and not behave in a frivolous or jesting manner in her husband's presence. Also, she should take care when around her husband's family or household members never to act in such a way as to arouse his jealousy.[64]

If a woman refuses to have sexual relations with her husband because she finds him repulsive, her husband must divorce her because she is like a captive. However, she is considered to be a rebellious wife and he does not give her the amount of her ketubah.[65]

If a woman's refusal to have sex with her husband results from her desire to torment him, for example because she blames him for wronging her in some way, she is considered a rebellious wife and warned that she will lose the amount of her ketubah if she persists in this way. Repeated announcements are made in the synagogues and houses of study that she is a rebellious wife. After four weeks she is warned again that she will lose the value of her ketubah. Then, after one more year passes, her husband divorces her without granting her the value of her ketubah. During that year she does not receive any maintenance from her husband.[66] (Editor's note: This one year delay is punishment to the wife but not to the husband who may have additional wives.)

Although a man has a right to engage in sexual intercourse with his wife whenever he desires,[67] he should not do this for the purpose of pleasure but only when he has a need to ejaculate to preserve his health or for the purpose of procreation.[68] A man has such a medical need for sexual intercourse only when he is healthy and vigorous, has repeated involuntary erections even when he diverts his mind away from thoughts of sex and women, his flesh is warm and he senses a heaviness from his loins downward with his testicular cords feeling stretched.[69]

Excessive sexual intercourse causes weakness and physical damage to the body because semen is the strength of the body, its life force and the light of the eyes. If a man is sexually indulgent he will age prematurely and lose his strength; his eyes will dim and a foul odor will emanate from his mouth and armpits; he will lose the hair from his head, his eyebrows and his eyelashes while hair will grow excessively on his face, armpits and legs; his teeth will fall out and he will suffer many additional ailments.[70]

Only a man with blemished character frequents his wife like a rooster. The less a man has sexual intercourse the more praiseworthy he is as long as he fulfills his conjugal obligations to his wife.[71] He is, of course, to fulfill his wife's right to sexual intercourse with a frequency that depends on his strength and occupation,[72] as discussed above.

Proper sexual behavior (Maimonides, Mishneh Torah). A scholar of the Torah should have sexual relations with his wife only one night a week, on the Sabbath, with an air of sanctity, rather than frequenting her like a rooster.[73] Sexual intercourse should take place in the middle of the night, not early when the man's stomach is full nor near the end of the night when he is hungry. The man should not engage in lewd talk even when being intimate with his wife. When having sexual relations, neither the husband nor the wife should be intoxicated or lethargic or tense. The wife should not be asleep. The man should not force himself on his wife. They should have sexual intercourse only out of mutual consent and joy. The husband should first talk and joke with his wife to put her in a relaxed mood. The sexual act should be performed modestly, not shamelessly. When it is completed, he should separate from her immediately. Behaving in this proper way during sexual relations will not only sanctify the soul, purify the heart and refine the mind, but if children result, they will be attractive, modest, wise and pious. On the other hand, those who behave like the common people will have children like theirs.[74]

A man may not have sexual intercourse when a light is on. It is also forbidden during the daytime, which is shameless behavior. An exception can be made for a scholar of the Torah who is not likely to make a habit of it; if he is in great need of sexual gratification during the daytime, he must envelop himself in a garment so that there is complete darkness during sexual relations.[75]

A man should not be thinking about another woman when having sexual intercourse with his wife. He should not be intoxicated or quarreling or feeling hatred. He should not have sexual relations with his wife against her will or when she is in fear of him. Sexual intercourse should not take place when either the husband or the wife is under a ban of ostracism by a Jewish court or if the husband has made the decision to divorce his wife. If sexual intercourse occurs under any of these circumstances, any children that result will be of bad character; some will be shameless while the others will be rebels and sinners.[76]

Other circumstances that will result in rebellious and sinful children who will suffer exile are: when a woman is so brazen as to demand sexual intercourse; when a man has sexual intercourse with one wife but he intended to do it with another wife; or when a woman does not wait three months after being divorced so the paternity of the child is not clear.[77]

A man is to have sexual relations with his wife only at home. If he has sexual intercourse with his wife in a forbidden public place such as a market, street, garden or orchard he should be subjected to a flogging for disobedience.[78] It is forbidden to have sexual intercourse with one's wife while traveling; they are to wait until they return home.[79]

If a man makes a vow that requires his wife to move about during sexual intercourse in such a way as to prevent conception or to act foolishly, he is required to divorce her and pay the amount of her ketubah.[80]

Issues within Marriage

Jewish Law (Halakha) from the Shulchan Aruch

Contents:

^*The general prohibition against ejaculation of semen anywhere other than in the vagina of a potentially fertile female relates to the Bible story[187] in which God puts Onan to death after Onan spills his semen on the ground to avoid impregnating the wife of his dead brother.

^**The Shulchan Aruch, written by Joseph Caro in the 16th century, represents his Sephardic background. Printed copies of the Shulchan Aruch always include the comments of Moses Isserles, which are written from an Ashkenazi perspective.

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Abbreviations used in footnotes:

Gen: The Biblical book of Genesis.

Exod: The Biblical book of Exodus.

Lev: The Biblical book of Leviticus.

Num: The Biblical Book of Numbers.

Deut: The Biblical Book of Deuteronomy.

MT: The Mishneh Torah of Maimonides (Code of Maimonides). The names of the specific books and treatises within each book are given according to the Yale University Press translation and also the Moznaim/Touger Hebrew transliterations to facilitate locating the texts posted here.

F: indicates page numbers in the Feldheim Publishers, Ltd., translation of Book 1 of the Mishneh Torah of Maimonides, the Book of Knowledge.

M: indicates page numbers in the relevant volume of the Moznaim Publishing Corporation s Touger translation. (Some of the books of Mishneh Torah are published in several volumes by Moznaim, so the Moznaim volume numbers do not correspond to the Book numbers of Maimonides work.)

Y: indicates page numbers in the translation of the Yale University Press Judaica Series.

SA: The Shulchan Aruch of Joseph Caro, with the comments of Moses Isserles noted, as appropriate. Our summaries are based on the Sefaria English translation, which is not yet complete. The four sections of the Shulchan Aruch are on Sefaria at the following links: Orach Chayim, Yoreh De'ah, Even HaEzer and Choshen Mishpat.

● The sources cited are described on the page Source Texts Used for Laws of Judaism.